Let me start by saying I still sometimes blame myself for even this event. I shouldn’t have told what happened to me to all of my close friends. I trusted too easily, but I knew how boys saw me… They’d always tell me just how “attractive” and “special” I was. I never saw myself that way and had an issue with ever feeling self-love. After I tried to confide in my close family and friends about what happened to me at spring break (refer to last post), someone took advantage of me… again. When I spoke about what happened to me by the coast, one of the people I trusted, they took note. They realized I can’t remember anything when I’m on my sleeping medicine… There was a party at my house during this time and countless people were present. I still do not know just who it was. It scars me some nights and my husband has to hold me and say “you are safe and loved”.
No one believed in me when I needed it most.
I had to internally deal with what happened to me out by the coast.
I was still feeling alone and I felt so utterly empty.
My doctors kept refilling my pills, so I always had plenty.
As I was asleep at home and knocked out by my drugs,
I trusted those around me to give only hugs.
There was a party, so I knew people would drop by my room and check-up.
As I heard the door creak and someone asked are you up?
I couldn’t reply to save my life, my eyes were so heavy.
It didn’t stop them from pulling off my panties in an attempt to get me “ready”.
I felt them drag me to the edge of my bed and flipped me onto my belly.
They did this so that I couldn’t see… it was all so very scary…
As they were about to put themselves inside me,
I used all the small energy I had… To say, “please… don’t do this to me.”
They were surprised and even responded with “you are awake?”
I fought as hard as my body could, but inside all there was… was an ache.
The last image I saw was of a hand, as the door began to close.
I was screaming inside “follow him, there he goes”!
As the darkness crept over me and my entire body froze,
I thought who would do this to such a broken girl, as I dozed?
When I woke up, I realized the person left me without clothes.
I finally had enough energy to see if anybody knows!
I asked people “who went to my room”, everyone said I guess or I suppose.
I crawled back into bed, defeated and alone…
But my pills helped me forget and forced my eyes to just close.
This is a moment I still think about somewhat regularly. I don’t know how to find closure with something that I have no answers to. Why would someone do this to me? If I confided in them, I trusted that they’d only ever HELP me. The reason I mentioned how boys used to perceive me is because sometimes I feel like maybe I dressed a certain way… maybe I was too nice to those around me and they took it the wrong way… or boys I decided I didn’t want to like anymore that they’d rebel… (I would never blame another woman for any of these things, if this happened to her. I do not know why my brain still does it to me though…) I always wanted to be the nice, caring one. If you were to ask those close to me, they’d say I am those two things. I just feel if I were meaner or less friendly, maybe boys wouldn’t have felt they could do these things to me.
My next post will be about moments leading up to my two past posts. I was anorexic and was told to kill myself by someone (once again) close to me. Shout out to Yogi tea, they have inspirational sayings on their little tea bags when you open them!
P.S. For those who are now following (thank you), just know my life is so much better now! I’ve forgiven all of the people who have wronged me. I am trying to heal from my scars… These are just summaries of my PTSD-moments (I guess) that sometimes haunt me. These moments have been shared with my husband… I just felt, if I were to die tomorrow, I’d want people to know these moments about me. If you were to meet me, I’d just have a bright smile on my face. This is a special reminder to treat those around you kindly… You never know what anyone has had to endure.